I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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