I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
