I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize