Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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