I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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