do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
