I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize