Moan for me like Helen Keller
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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