Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
