Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
