I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
