Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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