How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
