I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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