Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
