he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
