omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
