booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
