Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize