i love accidental penises.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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