I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
