Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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