you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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