i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
