Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
