Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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