i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
