My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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