Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
