I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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