You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
