That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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