Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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