I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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