My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
