I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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