Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
