LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
