I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
