What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
