My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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