oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
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