So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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