I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
