i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize