just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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