We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
