Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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