dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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