note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
