what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
