I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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