Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
