Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
