I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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