did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
