grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
