i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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