He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
