She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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